Town Meeting, Elections and Other Strange News

            After a short hiatus from my weekly attempt to give you a respite from the important news of the world, I am back.

            I find it difficult to understand how an election is more important than stories about pickleball, porches, phones that make bird calls and cherry trees (alas, Stumpy the cherry tree on the National Mall has met its maker), but I digress. A plethora of candidates’ resumes occupied this space last week. I won’t ask if you missed me, I am no fool. As lawyers are advised, never ask a question you don’t know the answer to.

            Much has happened in my absence. The Town Meeting was held, attracting an audience of 200-plus voters, presumably most of whom were there to debate the never-ending “Big Dig” road project and its “Treegate” component.

            The Town Election followed a few days later. I congratulate the winners and offer my sympathies to the losers. (It occurs to me as a former and experienced elected office holder, perhaps that should be reversed.)

            I do feel obliged to update my readers on other important news that occurred while I was away.

            You will be pleased to learn that Pennsylvania officials announced that Punxsutawney Phil became a father. Babies Sunny, a girl and Shadow, a boy, were born to Phil’s spouse Phyllis (who knew Phil was married?) The blessed event was appropriately announced on Mother’s Day.

            Each spring, Phil makes a prediction based on whether he sees his shadow. I wonder what will happen if Shadow the young groundhog ever runs away, will we have spring forever? Phil’s handlers made it clear that these offspring are not his predictors in waiting. There is “only one Phil,” they said. Does that mean the Phil we know has been the same animal since the 1700s when the tradition started?

            In other animal news, a Pennsylvania man says his emotional-support alligator named Wally is missing. Wally was lost on a vacation trip to Georgia. The man says that “we need all the help we can get to bring my baby back.”

            David Rush, a serial record breaker (which is better than being a serial criminal) from Boise, Idaho, recaptured his lost “Guiness Book of World Records” title by inserting 243 thumbtacks into a cork board in one minute (4 per second). He had previously lost the record to Andre Ortolf, whose record was 191. Rush has 168 world records of one kind or another. His goal is to beat Silvio Sabba, whose current record is 180 titles.

            You think we have problems with our roads … tumbleweeds have taken over areas of Salt Lake City, blocking streets and wrapping themselves around people’s homes, necessitating the city to spend a fortune of taxpayers’ money on police and fire details and on efforts to remove the mess. Tumbleweeds, also called Russian thistle, were introduced by Russian immigrants in the 1870s. The authorities have assured the populous that it is not a Russian invasion.

            Closer to home, 353 ballerinas in tutus set a new world record for dancing on their toes for a full minute at New York’s Plaza Hotel. The previous record was 306.

            To the foodies out there, you may want to rush to Old Bridge, New Jersey, where 500 pounds of cooked pasta … spaghetti and macaroni … were dumped in the woods. The culprits have not been apprehended. A city council candidate called the attempt to clean up the mess “Mission Impastable” and that the perpetrators should be sent to the state “penneteniary.”

            Bon Appetit.

            Oh, and one presidential candidate announced that a worm ate his brain.

            Mattapoisett resident Dick Morgado is an artist and happily retired writer. His newspaper columns appeared for many years in daily newspapers around Boston.

Thoughts on…

By Dick Morgado