The holidays are upon us. We’ve cooked and eaten the Thanksgiving feast and now we plunge head-first into the gift-giving mania that is shopping. When the grandchildren were little, I’d shop year-round, hiding things away in July with great anticipation of smiles in December.

            However, there are other more delicate matters, family matters that need our consideration as we plan holiday feasts and associated joyful occasions. We may find ourselves having to assume the role of ambassador, where members of different clans are forced to come together in peaceful accord because Miss Sally fell in love with Mister Thomas and they both have children from previous relationships, sets of parents and other extended family now blended into a new psychological dynamic.

            While such co-mingling of families isn’t new, consider any royal family where arranged marriages were the norm to solidify power, today’s modern family, my own included, will oftentimes find half-siblings, quarter aunts and uncles and a whole slew of step-this and step-that sitting down to break bread together and sing Auld Lang Syne.

            Blended families, or as one new in-law describes “bonus family,” can and many times are wonderful, comfortable, so glad we are part of the same family now and bonded. Other times, well, not so much. Yet we set aside personal feelings for the good of the whole and carry on passing the gravy boat.

            For my husband and me, personalities weren’t an issue, but organizing get togethers so that we could celebrate with everyone we care about has proven tricky. How do we invite grandchildren and step-children we share with organic parents if the organic parent insists on seeing them at the same time? Must the heirs of our relationships past and present go house hopping to appease the family tree? Or if a nuclear parent suddenly shifts the time of a holiday meal to the time you’ve been talking about for a month, who should give way for the sake of the victims, oops sorry, Kids?

            It took us a few seasons to outsmart the evil-doers, I mean ex-spouses. We moved all holiday celebrations including Easter to the weekend before. This proved to be the best-of-all solution because now we had an entire weekend to celebrate with the bonus and nuclear family members.

            Holidays need to be thought of as a season to take the pressure off the organizers, primarily women and primarily mothers of grands (both nuclear and bonus), mothers of step-(fill in the blank), as well as chief cooks and bottlewashers. Exhausting. So having an entire weekend became a new kind of holiday celebration minus the pressure of interfering and being called a “*&%#$@-(fill in the blank).”

            We are the proud, step-plus-nuclear grandparents of five granddaughters. When they were little girls, those weekend-long holiday celebrations were a big hit. The kids were the entire focus for about 36 hours, and they loved it almost as much as we did.

            If it was Christmas, they’d arrive just after sundown, when a craft project appropriately themed would be waiting for them. Around the kitchen island, the glitter and glue, colored paper and pencils were employed to make homemade Christmas cards for their parents. Then there would be the cookie baking. I’m still finding glitter and sugar under the appliances.

            In the background, holiday music added to the seasonal ambience. I tear up thinking how quickly those years flew by while, at the same time, am grateful for the memories. No regrets.

            While Christmas was the most highly decorated and anticipated holiday, we also enjoyed pumpkin carving at Halloween and dress-up sessions, hiking the beaches at Thanksgiving, and watching movies late into the night near New Year’s Eve.

            By accepting that blended families need to be gently eased into relationships built on empathy and compassion, lasting connections can be made and sustained. But, it is a massive undertaking.

            Not everyone will seamlessly get on board the Love Train. Accepting that your nuclear parent can have tender feelings for someone else’s child now your step-sibling can be hard for some to swallow. And what happens when there are new break-ups and people you were growing kind relationships with are suddenly out of the picture? Is there such a thing as an ex-bonus family member? Things can get rather tricky. My advice: Remember that others may be struggling, doing the best they can with the task of accepting changes in the family. A heavy dose of fluffy kindness could be the gift they need.

            A new in-law came fully loaded with bonus family plus two. She had been previously married to a man who had been previously married. His children from his previous marriage became her bonus kids. When she divorced him years later, her relationship with his children held strong. She was able to hold onto those family members who were precious to her.

            Today around her dinner table at holidays are her children, the children of her new husband, the children of her previous husband, and her new in-laws. Her children have nuclear siblings, step-siblings and bonus siblings – Brady Bunch squared. They seem to be melding together quite nicely, in no small part because that’s what they all want the most for Christmas.

            Anyway, the holidays can be difficult in as many ways as there are people on the planet, but they can also be fun, warm, loving and kind. The choice is really up to us.

            As the elders (give me strength) of our branch of the familial twig, my husband and I have learned (because we’re old now) to roll with the changes, the new inclusions and to let go of those who have headed in another direction, and even those who have left this mortal coil. People will come and go.

            As Doris Day once sang, “…whatever will be will be, the future’s not ours to see, que sera sera.”

            Wishing you all the very best of the holiday season.

This Mattapoisett Life

By Marilou Newell

There is a partnership that has grown between two groups whose goals, while not the same, blend the very best in volunteerism for the beautification of their town: Marion Tree Committee and the Marion Garden Group.

            For several years now, the MGG has striven to place oases of flowers in previously neglected locations such as the traffic island at the intersection of Spring Street and Route 105 and the south side of Route 6 at the intersection of Front Street, where a grand welcome sign now greets passersby. And there are others that have sprung up along motorways, punctuating the seaside community with resplendence in the form of flowers and greenery.

            Not only has the MGG planned floral portraits, the group has also planned numerous fundraisers to pay for these lavish improvements. No small task and one that requires a willingness to work diligently towards a common goal, adding floral motifs to previously forgotten locations, taking them from tired, even dilapidated scenes to living renaissance pictures.

            Founded in 1956 to further its members’ knowledge in all things gardening, the MGG now cares for window boxes and planters throughout the town, as well as welcoming and hosting guest speakers on topics of gardening interest.

            Coming together with the MGG on November 26 was the Marion Tree Committee. Also a volunteer group established by the Town of Marion decades ago to assist in the management and care of municipal shade trees, on this day they were all working shoulder to shoulder on a special project.

            MTC Chairperson and longtime member Margie Baldwin explained the importance of shade trees planted in the right location and the correct type of trees for municipal easements. Standing in Bicentennial Park, Baldwin said that decades ago, American Elms had been planted but over time succumbed to Dutch elm disease, ultimately thinning the shade canopy to a shocking degree. She said that trees planted in the 1950s are also in trouble after years of severe pruning by electric utilities.

            The Tree Committee, along with the guidance and assistance of Tree Warden Lee Gunschel and Highway and Parks Supervisor Jody Dickerson, has planted 25 trees this year alone, stated Baldwin. Now the committee prepares to place permanent identification plates on the trees the town has planted, an impressive 24 different varieties.

            MGG Chairperson Suzy Taylor said that the group had assisted landscapers in the selection of planting and placement of floral specimens in front of the Town House and Elizabeth Taber Library. She said the group worked on window boxes located at the Marion Art Center and village center spaces.

            MGG and MTC member Sylvia Strand noted that the MGG purchased the tree tags for trees planted by the town in an effort to not only heighten the community’s awareness of tree species but also to work with educators in bringing a greater awareness of the importance of trees.

Baldwin said that the Town of Marion has been recognized as a Tree City for over 20 years. To be recognized by the Arbor Day Foundation (established in 1872) as a Tree City, a town must have tree bylaws and ordinances, have a tree board, spend municipal funds on trees and offer community-based programs that celebrate Arbor Day.

            Baldwin also noted that when selecting locations for tree planting, the town will oftentimes need the cooperation of private property owners, as overhead utility wires, watering of newly planted trees and roadways must factor in the consideration given to a planting spot.

            A small sampling of the types of trees Marion has planted include (common names) Princeton Elms, Sycamore, Cherry Tree, Red Chestnut, Ash, Redbud and Willow Oak.

            The MGG and MTC members fanned out across Spring Street to Sippican School, where a number of trees have been planted giving the school building a more harmonious appearance with nature. And here’s a fun fact about the tree tags: They are designed with a spring action so that as the tree’s trunk thickens, the identification plate will not breach the bark.

            To learn more about the Arbor Day Foundation, visit arborday.org and to learn more about the Marion Garden Group, visit mariongardengroup.org.

Marion Garden Group and Marion Tree Committee

By Marilou Newell