I am not a doctor, and I don’t play one on television. I don’t write a medical column either, I leave that to the good Dr. Hoffer whom you can find elsewhere in this journal. But I do know a lot of doctors. Between the missus and me, we’ve had nearly a dozen. Six of them are mine alone!
In addition to our primary care doctor, I have a urologist, a gastroenterologist, an oncologist, an audiologist, and an ophthalmologist. I saw a cardiologist, but it turned out my heart works fine. I once visited a pulmonologist. My lungs were good, too. Then there are the anesthesiologists who made me forget the many surgeries I’ve had. I expect any day now I will have to see a rheumatologist for my arthritis.
She has a gynecologist, has seen a dermatologist recently and a nephrologist. (That’s a kidney doctor. Everything was okay.) No doubt one day we’ll both have to see a gerontologist. I call them all our “gist club.” Those don’t include our dentists, hygienists, our optometrists, the many phlebotomists who draw gallons of blood over the course of a year, assorted physician assistants and nurse practitioners. Some people have suggested I ought to see a psychiatrist, but I ignore them.
I probably should see a podiatrist… my feet hurt, and maybe an allergist because I am allergic to shellfish. Naw, I have enough doctors. If you are like me, the stress of just thinking about going to a doctor raises your blood pressure sky high.
I’m thinking about taking some time off from doctors’ appointments. Maybe go on a long vacation. If you’d like to join me, I may have discovered the ideal place. Mars!
A group in Mongolia (yes, that Mongolia) called MARS-V, is planning to offer a Mars Retreat for tourists in the Gobi Desert. They say that “nowhere else in the world mimics climate and geography” of Mars than the Gobi. The landscape is red and pretty desolate. The temperatures range from minus-40 degrees Fahrenheit to 113 degrees. Sounds pretty hospitable, doesn’t it.
The whole package, including three months of training, physical dexterity and mental tests, costs a mere $6,000. (A lot less than the $28,000,000 it would cost to go to the real Mars). All this to stay three months in a “habitat” of tiny “pods” in a space suit. For your dining pleasure freeze dried, dehydrated Mongolian delicacies like dumplings and mutton stew will be served.
It might be better to consider some place closer. There is a mansion available in Newport. It’s for sale for $28,000,000. Mmmm. (Odd that it is listed for the same price as a trip to Mars.) Maybe I could just rent it. It has 60 rooms, 29 bedrooms, 18 bathrooms, 11 stone fireplaces. The place is big enough that my doctors will never find me. And, it has a grand, gilded-age ballroom.
I hear a grand, gilded ballroom is the “in thing” these days.
Mattapoisett resident Dick Morgado is an artist and happily retired writer. His newspaper columns appeared for many years in daily newspapers around Boston.
By Dick Morgado
Glad you are back.. I enjoyed this article very much. Take care and stay healthy.